Unfortunately, I am joining thousands of other women who have experienced similar heartache. Every story is different, but unless you've been there ....there really isn't anything I can say or put into words to fully describe to you what I've been going through the past few weeks. It's been physically and emotionally exhausting. Although I know that I am not alone in this, part of the feeling is that...being totally alone.
I've had such great support from family and friends. (I appreciate your thoughts and prayers, more than you all know!)
There has been a very special person that has been so great to me throughout all of this. She really gets it and gets me. She has been there- listening, encouraging, very supportive, and was very vulnerable with me while she shared her story. For the 1st time throughout this whole ordeal-I didn't feel alone. She was so helpful and did all of this without any motive, but simply out of love. She ministered to my pain. All without coming across like she was "ministering" to me. We barely knew each other before, but we are bonded sisters for life now. She has been a gift from God to me!
There were times that I was so confused, hurt, and almost angry. I believed for my miracle, stepped out in faith and what I prayed for didn't happen. That was hard. I tried to tell myself that God and I were complete galaxies apart...... But we weren't. He's been with me every step of the way. I was never alone. I know God understands and He's in control. His will is my desire, even if it hurts. I don't blame Him, or anyone for that matter. I tried to blame myself, but I couldn't actually be convincing with that. I know it wasn't my fault. I did search for an answer, not realizing at the time that's what I was doing.
I have to say, all the internet searching for probable causes was just pointless. It only hurt me more. It didn't change what happened and honestly, there is no answer that would be sufficient enough, to me, as to why my baby didn't make it. :( It still hurts.....
For those of you who may not know the full story. And have wondered what I've been doing/how've been......Here it goes with as much detail as I can remember....(it's rather lengthy)
November 2nd, 2011
I found out at 13 weeks 5 days that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. Doctor said that it happened very recent. The ultrasound also showed swelling on the baby's head and neck, which suggested that it could be due to Turner Syndrome.
- Turner Syndrome is a chromosomal abnormality in which the baby is lacking a 46th chromosome in either an X or Y. All Turner Syndrome babies are born girls. Other than a few health issues, they can live normal, healthy lives. This diagnoses wasn't certain as there wasn't any further testing done. Given the time frame of when it happened, it was just a possible cause.
This was a routine visit, so I went to the appt. alone with Maddie. I had just been in there at 9 1/2 weeks and again at 11 weeks for blood work. I saw and heard the heartbeat . This day shouldn't be any different, right? No, not right. I was in complete shock when my doctor gave me the news. Shaking, with tears filling my eyes, I was in dis-belief. I asked if she was sure. She said yes and then called in another doctor for a second opinion. I start sobbing uncontrollably. I heard what they were saying but my head was spinning, it was all muffled and I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. My doctor told me she was so sorry. She gave me my options. Seeing how shocked I was, she hugged me and said-"you don't have to make a decision today, go on home...you don't need to be here, right now." I asked her if I could come back in a few days and re-check. She said, "yes. How about you come in on Friday (2 days) for another ultrasound." I left not realizing at the time that I completely ignored the check out nurse on the way out.
I had no idea what to do from that point on. I was frozen, tears running down my face. just standing there in front of the elevator, not sure what button to push. Maddie started hitting my leg and with a worried look on her face she said, "Mommy, are you okay?" I snapped back when I heard her sweet voice and just hugged her-all the way down the elevator. We get off, start to head to the car. In the meantime I called Michael. How was I supposed to drive home in the shape I was in? As soon as he heard me, not knowing what was wrong yet...he immediately left work and said, "I'm coming home." I told him I wasn't home, that I was in the truck. He kept asking what was wrong, if I was okay and if he needed to come get me. He tried to keep me calm on the phone. I didn't want to tell him, especially over the phone, but I needed him and I couldn't keep him guessing. I began to tell him as much as I could -to where he could understand me. He got the jist and said, "babe, focus on driving home and we'll talk about that when I get home." Maddie fell asleep on the way, thankfully.
We got off the phone and I began crying and talking to God. I told God how confused I was. I asked him, "why did you allow me to get pregnant so fast and so unexpectedly if this baby wasn't meant to make it in the long run? It took us close to 8 mths to get pregnant with Kate and Maddie. So I know this baby was meant to be!" "God, if your testing my faith...then i believe you can heal my baby." I started pleaded for Him to heal my baby. Then a peace came over me and I told Him, "God, whatever happens, I trust you." (The holy spirit must've been praying that through me b'c the spirit knew what was to come.) I was surprised how that came out in prayer.
I got home, laid in a fetal position on the bed, just moaning. Shortly after, Michael got home. He came in the bedroom and held me. He cried with me and stayed there until I fell asleep. After a few hours, and a major headache later...I decided to eat something. I had not eaten all day. So he went to Braums and got me food and an ice cream. I also asked if he would go by the movie store and get an action or comedy movie that I could watch-To keep my mind off of things. He came back, brought a tray of food to the bedroom and had an overwhelmed look on his face. I looked up as he laid a huge bag of movies on the bed. As he sat them down, they literally fell out of the bag. He said, "Babe, I had no idea what to get." I smiled and said, "I see that." We shared a giggle and a long tearful stare. I fell in love all over again. He got over 20 movies, when I asked for one. Haha! It took me over a week to watch all of them! I was grateful for that.
November 3rd, 2011
The next day Michael had to go to work. I couldn't help but relive the day before the moment I woke up. I was devastated, helpless and hopeless all over again. So I got online and asked family and friends to pray with us for a miracle. I was overwhelmed with the response I received. I knew I'd be going back 2 days later for an ultrasound to confirm and wanted to have prayer warriors interceding on our behalf. I know that God is able to do the impossible! I was reminded of miracle after miracle that he performed. After that, my faith was high and I really began believing for my miracle. I opened my bible to Psalms. The passage was talking about how he did not die but lived. I don't remember the verse off the top of my head, but I just opened up to it. I thought it was a sign and the scriptures around it were very fitting. Michael's Mom and Dad came by that night, and visited with us. We all held hands as a family-praying and believing for a miracle to take place. Later that night, I laid that group of scriptures on my belly... praying and cried myself to sleep.
November 4th, 2011I woke up Friday morning very anxious, and nervous. I completely had my hopes up for a good report, yet at the same time I felt an inner peace. Michael had taken off work, Maddie spent the day with Nana Burger, and Katelyn was off to school. On the way to my doctor's office, Michael said he felt peace. We prayed, and he told God that we trusted Him. That got my attention and it brought back to me what I had prayed the Wednesday before, so I shared that with Him. We were somber and quiet most of the way there. By the time we got there, we were immediately seen. I think my doctor could tell that I had my hopes up, so she got right to the ultrasound.....I told her we were believing for a miracle. She was hoping the same for me and was heartbroken to tell me that the news wasn't any different. There was still no heartbeat. I asked about the swelling again and she wasn't sure if there was swelling there or not. But there was maybe some small areas?! I asked her to measure the baby....she said the baby stopped growing between 12-13 weeks. According to that, I lost the baby a week or two prior. I asked for ultrasound pictures. Heartbroken all over again- It all came crashing down. What she had to say went in one ear and out the other b'c none of that information told me my baby was alive. Thankfully Michael was with me this time and obtained most of what she said. My doctor began to tell us our options. I didn't want to make any decision at that time. She was completely supportive of me not wanting to make any decision and said that it was safe for me to miscarry at home if that is what I wanted to do. She did tell Michael to keep watch of me b'c it could happen at any time, or it could take days or weeks. She told us what to expect, when to take me to the emergency room, etc. All that scary stuff. She then prescribed me some medicine to control the bleeding and some pain pills to keep me comfortable in case the process started over the weekend. We left the doctor's office and I immediately wanted to go home. Especially after hearing all of that. I didn't want to be in public, be around anyone period. I didn't want the risk of people asking how far pregnant I was/what I am having/ when I am due. I had all of this weighing on my mind. Michael insisted on taking me to lunch...although feeling this way, I agreed to go for his sake. I'm glad we went. We had a nice day together. I kept my big sweater on as to not draw attention to my belly and also in hopes that no one would ask me questions. Thankfully, that day, no one did.
We went to eat at one of my favorite places-PF Changs. I have to say, it was the 1st time that I couldn't fully enjoy it. After a couple of small meltdowns, I made it through lunch. When they gave us our check we also got a fortune cookie. Mine read- "Kindness will follow you in the months ahead." (okay, insert sobbing here) and Michael's simply read, "Daughter." We both started crying. The Lord was with us then. Five minutes before we were talking about heaven...and that one day we'd see our baby there. Fully healthy, happy and whole. We wondered what that baby was gonna be. We were to find out by Thanksgiving if it was a boy or girl. We thought maybe it might have been easier to not know....then wondered if the baby really had Turner Syndrome. If so, then the baby would have been a girl. We talked about if we should name the baby and if so, what name? Michael mentioned Abigail for a girl. No sooner did he say that, he opened up that fortune cookie that read, "Daughter." We had to leave the restaurant fast b'c we were both crying. Later on I looked up the name Abigail and it means- the Father's love. A few weeks later, after thinking about it and reflecting back to this moment, we accepted that our baby was a girl and we named her Abigail Hope Burger.
After losing it at the restaurant, I welcomed a shopping distraction. After all, we were at Utica Square. We ended up leaving there shortly after walking around and went to Toys R Us. We got our girls a few Christmas presents while there was a sale going on. After a couple of hours, I was ready to go home. It seemed like everywhere I looked there were babies, baby stuff, or pregnant women. Later that night we told Katelyn and Madelyn that our baby went to heaven. That wasn't easy to do to say the least. I started to tell them and got choked up so bad, so Michael took over. Katelyn took it really hard. It was pitiful :(
He did so good relaying everything to them, in a way they could understand w/o saying too much. He ended up making her laugh, which made us all laugh. That really meant alot. It was hard on me, seeing him/hearing him confess it out loud, that we lost our baby. Up to this point he had been the strong one. At that moment, I saw him, for the 1st time, break down and grieve over our baby. We spent the evening taking pictures of my belly. (I hadn't taken a picture of it since I was 9 or so weeks...) My mom brought over dinner later that evening and we crawled up in our bed to watch Cars 2.
November 5th-12th, 2011
From this point on, life was pretty un-eventful. I spent the 1st week laying around, sleeping in my bed. Just waiting for the inevitable to happen doing absolutely nothing. I only got up when I had too. Nothing happened-not the 1st sign of miscarriage. Confused, I began researching on the internet. I came across this website that has story after story of misdiagnosed miscarriage. Truly amazing stories! I really started to believe that this could be me too; that my miscarriage was misdiagnosed and that I was still pregnant, and that my baby was okay, and that the ultrasound I saw was wrong.
- This point, is when I believe I went into denial. My head pretty much accepted it, but my heart was no where near accepting it. I know what my doctor said, I know what I saw, but my body was telling me something completely different. It was all like a cruel joke, but it wasn't a joke at all. I was so confused. After researching it out, I realized that I was having what was called a missed miscarriage. I have never heard of that before! A missed miscarriage can take place without your body having any symptoms of a miscarriage. The only way you ever know is by an ultrasound. My body still thought I was pregnant. I felt pregnant, looked pregnant, I was pregnant, however, I was carrying my deceased baby.
This entire time I didn't leave the house, didn't want to be around anyone, and wanted my family close to me at all times. Michael pretty much made me get out of the house a few times and I am glad he did that. I was able to pick up my pictures from Walmart that I ordered online and grabbed some scrapbooking stuff at Hobby Lobby while I was out. I then started scrapbooking our Disneyworld trip and other family events. Something I've been needing/wanting to do. It was very therapeutic for me, and brought back some great happy family memories. I became so thankful and grateful for my girls all over again. Not that I wasn't before, but I gained a brand new perspective of how precious life is and what a miracle they are to be here with me, right now. I asked God to forgive me for taking them for granted at times. For taking the preciousness of life for granted.
Scrapbooking took me about a week, and when that was done I had Michael go ahead and pull out our Christmas decorations. Trying to be a busy bee, I started decorating for Christmas, early. That was nice. Christmas just puts ya in a good mood. Or it does me! :)
November 12-16th, 2011
Katelyn ended up sick with fever for 6 days. She missed 4 days of school. (14th-17th)
My busy bee-ness slowed down during this time. Then I slowly started to notice that I no longer felt pregnant anymore. My pregnancy symptoms were going away, which told me that my HCG levels were dropping and the process could be soon approaching. I was having cramping here and there, but it was so mild and sporadic I would brush it off or blame it on sitting on my rear end all day. My heart was starting to accept...... After Kate ended up sick, I started to get worried. Due to my condition, it wasn't safe for me to run a fever. It would pose a concern whether it was from her virus or not. At that point I called my doctor. The phone call I dreaded. This was Tuesday, Nov. 15th. I told her the situation. The nurse relayed everything to my doctor and they were still okay with me waiting it out. I was surprised. She just said that if I started to run a fever, that I need to come in immediately. I never ran any fever, thankfully! I made Kate a doctor's appt for Wednesday and Michael took her to that. They ended up telling us her sickness was only viral. She got better by Thursday, and was able to go back to school on Friday.
November 17th, 2011
Thursday evening was really rough for me. Got in an argument with Michael, I can't recall what it was about. Our emotions/nerves were spent. I couldn't sleep, and I was emotionally give out. Everyone was asleep except me-I was scared, worried about getting fever/sick, and felt that it could be taking too long for the process to start. That night laying in bed, I began grieving/ fully accepting what was happening. Heartwrenching. I was at my wits end on waiting it out and I realized that night that I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed closure.
November 18th, 2011
I called my doctor the next morning. (Friday the 18th) and told her how I was feeling. So we made an appt. and I went in that day around 11 am. I told her that I wanted one last ultrasound for re-assurance. At this point it had been 4 weeks since the baby stopped growing. I was 16 weeks pregnant with a 12-13 week old baby. I had the ultrasound- No heartbeat again. This time it showed the baby in a head down position, resting on top of my cervix. She said that it's really close to happening, however my cervix is completely closed up. For the release to happen, just like a normal delivery, your cervix has to be thinned out and open. I asked her how long she thought it could take for my cervix to thin out. She said it could happen immediately/in the next few hours or it could possibly take another week. She said there is a medicine I can give you to thin out your cervix/ and speed this up. She then asked if I still had my pain med's. I said,"yes, I haven't taken any yet." She told me what to expect and the risks/when to go to the emergency room. I asked her if I chickened out taking the med's was she okay with me waiting it out another week or calling in on Monday to have the procedure done. She of course said yes. (I have to say, I really love my doctor.) I got home, sat in the recliner and while rocking Maddie I began feeling the lower back cramps coming and going. Just like contractions, but not as bad. I called Michael told him what was happening and he came home. I told him what the doctor said/how the appt went. (I have to say, I have the best husband in the world!!! I love him so much!) He was completely supportive of what I was comfortable with doing. I decided to take the 1st pill around 3 pm as it would speed up what was already happening. It was the best decision, given the situation. It was the weekend. So Michael would be home with me and it wouldn't interfere with work or school. Kate was staying the night at her cousin's house. And if we needed someone for Maddie they were just a phone call away. A few hours went by and nothing really happened, just some more minor cramping. I began to wonder that it might not take place until the next day. We started watching Pirates of the Caribbean. The medicine had worn off by then. (i was due to take another one, but didn't) It must've done it's job or my body took over. It was all strangely very similar to labor. My water actually broke and everything. I'll spare the details. My body knew exactly what to do and the process went as smooth as possible. It wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be. Possibly because I read enough to prepare myself, and I've gone through 2 other deliveries. I only took 1 of the strong painkillers-b'c I didn't like the side effects. The only other thing I took was 2 Tylenol. The pain wasn't unbearable, like I was afraid it would be. I delievered my baby at 8:55 pm and by 2 am everything had passed.
I know this isn't the popular choice-miscarrying at home, but it was my choice. It was what I wanted. And Michael was as proud as he could be given the situation. He was amazing thoroughout it all! I am so proud of him! As emotionally hard as it all was, I don't regret my decision. I wanted to be 100 % sure and have no doubt that my baby in fact didn't make it. I felt completely robbed of soooo much, at least I/we had this to share with our child. And as crazy as it sounds, the delivery that went as smoothly as it could have,without any dramatic emergency room moments was such a gift to me. It really helped me in my healing/closure process. Very tender, emotional moments for Michael and I. No doctors, no needles, no invasive surgery, just Him and I. God was there too. Maddie feel asleep early in the evening, and although Katelyn ended up calling us to come pick her up around midnight from my sisters house-she went right back to sleep too. That worked out nicely. They had no idea what was happening, and that's how we wanted it.
Anyways, Michael and I got to see our baby, as tiny as she was-there was nothing wrong with her. She was as she should be for her age. She laid and looked peaceful. We had our moments alone with her and buried her. We honored the life that was given and taken from us, the best way we knew how. I'm thankful for the short time that I had with her during this pregnancy. It was unlike my other 2 pregnancies from the beginnning...I won't ever forger our little angel. Abigail Hope is in heaven now and we'll get to see her again, someday. I love you baby girl, we all love you-Mommy, Daddy, Kate and Maddie <3
In closing, I pray for healing, peace, strength and comfort over myself and for every woman that has experienced this type of loss. We are not alone. God, thank you for being with us every step of the way. I felt your love and presence with me even when I wanted to think that you weren't there. I sorry I got angry. You embraced me and let me know that everything would be okay. Thank you for understanding, for sending people my way that have carried this heavy load with me. Your word says that Perfect love casts out all fear. So, Lord please pour your perfect love over my heart and wipe away all the fear and worry that I have about a future pregnancy.. In Jesus name, Amen.
P.S--Update 11/28/2011
It's taken me awhile to write all this....And I am finally ready to post it. (It's certainly easier than talking about it.) It's been a little over a week since it all happened. My feelings are still a bit raw, but I am doing much better. Michael is doing really good, so are the girls.
Since I've been getting out of the house more- I run into people.....and the questions have started.....<sigh> I know everyone means well and I honestly don't take much offense. So those of you that read this, I ask you to please bare with me and please, please use your filter.
If your wondering-Although as nervous and scared as this makes me for future pregnancies...we do want to have another baby, someday. Not sure when exactly, but hopefully soon.
Thank you all so much-for praying, listening, loving, and being there for us during this time!
Lots of love- Michele & Michael (and Kate and Maddie)
